Hospital and Respite

Hi Everyone

On Sunday night the voices came back with a vengeance. I spent all day in bed trying to fight them off - they wouldn't go and I was exhausted. I then spent Monday in bed and it just got worse. On Monday night I rang a friend and asked her to take me to hospital.

I was very, very sick but they had no beds in the psychiatric ward. I stayed overnight in the emergency department. The psychiatrist came in the morning and said there were still no beds so they gave me a sedative. I went to sleep and then the doctor said, because I went to sleep, that I could go home.

I didn't feel that going home was a good option so I rang my Case Manager and asked if I could go to Respite. Respite is a 'step down' from the hospital for people who are a bit unwell but can cope a little bit. They have nurses and a cook and cleaner but no doctors and you can go out if you want to.

I feel very settled in Respite but I have to go home tomorrow and am really scared about that. Please, please pray for me that I will cope and/or Respite will let me have a few more days.

God Bless

Amber

Hearing Voices - Please God not this again!

Hi Everyone

My worst fear is happening all over again. The voices are back.

I was totally fine in the morning but at lunch time they hit.

This is what they are saying - they start off with a list of all the bad, stupid etc things I did when I was a teacher, then they say 'you were a crap teacher and you are therefore a crap person and you deserve to die'. They end up telling me to kill myself.

I have been arguing with them all afternoon. I am saying to them that God has saved me and that therefore I deserve to live. And that I am retraining and won't be going near a classroom again. That all the stupid things I did have been forgiven by God Himself.

I am exhausted by all this arguing. I have been to the doctor and the counsellor. They both told me to go to hospital if I get worse.

I don't want to go to hospital! I have spent months building up a positive lifestyle and working hard at my studies. A break in hospital could ruin all that.

Please, please pray for me that these voices will go away.

Thank you

Amber

Resurrection Sunday - My near death experience

Hi Everyone

As today is the day we celebrate Jesus' resurrection I thought it might be interesting for you to read about my first experience with God.

I was 15 years old and I had glandular fever. I had taken weeks and weeks off school and just lay in bed feeling terrible. To top it all off the glandular fever was making my asthma worse. I would take my asthma sprays and they would only provide the smallest possible relief.

Anyway one day I was especially sick. I thought I was going to die. My mother went to work but called my aunt to check on me. I couldn't walk and was coughing up blood.

My aunt took me to the hospital where they took me into one of the urgent emergency rooms immediately. They put me on an oxygen mask and they were just putting in a drip when I felt the room go starry, then grey, then black.

I went down a white tunnel which was full of love and brightness. The further up the tunnel I went, the brighter the white light was.

After some distance I heard the most beautiful voice. It said ''It is not your time to die. You must go back. There is something you must do."

I opened my eyes. I was in hospital attached to a drip and an oxygen mask. I was admitted to hospital for several weeks.

I didn't tell anyone of my spiritual experience until much, much later - when I was in my twenties. But I pondered it in my heart and it is one of the reasons I sought out Jesus and the church.

I still don't know what the thing is that I must do - I must wait patiently for an answer.

This memory comforts me and reminds me (like in Psalm 23) - "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death you are with me."

God Bless you all


Amber

In the Psychiatric Ward

Hi Everyone

I decided, this week, that I would write about some of my past experience with mental illness.

This excerpt is from my first admission to the Royal Hobart Hospital due to mental illness. I have changed the name of the male character to protect his identity but all other events and characters are true.

Anyway - here it is. Let me know what you think.

Amber


Psych Ward RHH - First Admission

It was just after Easter 2003. I had thoughts coming thick and fast. They were saying to me: "Why don't you jst kill yourself?" I didn't think they were my thoughts but I felt, somehow, that I should obey them. I was struggling to hold on.

The hospital loomed large in my mind as a place of refuge.

The other occupants of the house, Kaffy the cat and Sharyn the flatmate, had had enough of my madness. "I'm desperate to move out," Sharyn said "I no longer feel emotionally safe with you." Kaffy just ran away.

The hospital beckoned me. In the waiting room I told the nurse I was losing control. "You'd better admit me," I said earnestly "I fear I'll kill myself if you don't." Thankfully they did. I really feel that they saved my life.

Once I was in the psychiatric ward I was surprised at how normal most of the patients seemed to be. A few seemed strange, a couple decidedly evil, but most seemed to be 'just like me'. I felt I was in a place where I was finally understood.

A man by the name of Sam, particularly, was someone who I related to very well. "I'm afraid I'm mad," I told him at our first meeting. He smiled and said "Welcome to the family." I felt such relief. There were other people in the world who were crazy just like me.

Sam was tall, dark and handsome. It wasn't quite love at first sight. More like fascination at first sight.

He was an artist. I have always had a thing for artists because I love pretty things but lack the technical skills to produce them.

Sam was intrigued by my faith. Shortly after our first meeting he drew me a beautiful picture with a rainbow on the top. On the bottom were three hills with a cross standing on the middle hill.

My visitors were few and far between. I was too scared to tell most of my friends where I was. This seemed to me particularly wise given Sharyn's reaction. I am, however, grateful to Tracey, Kate and Megan for their visits.

Megan came every day. She wasn't scared of madness as both her parents had their problems. I remember two of her visits particularly.

The first one I remember was when she brought in the entire Narnia series for me to read. That showed real insight. I had lost my ability to concentrate on adult books. Reading had been so much a part of my identity that I felt I had lost my personality somehow.

Even the Bible with its short, sharp prose that cuts to the bone swam before my eyes. I had regressed, intellectually at least, to childhood and, in my childhood Narnia was important.

On the second visit Megan met Sam. He was manic. Ideas jumbled out of his mouth, jumped around a bit and mishmashed into a poetic hyper-reality. I was fascinated. Megan wasn't.

"Lovely guy," she said "But he's mad."

I ignored her. I was in a new reality. It's weird but when you go into the psych. ward you accept strange things as being normal. No one talks much about normal things. They talk about their suicide attempts, their psychosis, their depression. And that world, that world of the mentally ill, to me, at that time, seemed the only thing that was real.

When I was a child, for instance, I was warned about strangers with lollies and educated about sex and drugs.

I was never warned about mental illness. I was never educated about it. When it happened to me I was so desperate for someone to explain it, someone to commiserate with that I latched on to Sam. He was the first person who seemed to offer real understanding.

Sam, however, was an angry young man. But that, I'm afraid, is another story.